rekd | knock me down like a heavyweight

knock me down like a heavyweight

[ by the time reki's gotten to his seat in homeroom, it feels like the night before was all just some sort of hazy, surreal dream. a lot's happened since then; for one, his arm is bandaged all the way up to the elbow, compliments of a gnarly gash he got bailing straight into a cluster of jagged rocks, he's probably killed off half the brain cells he's got left skidding on his face, and the unfathomable weight of last night's loss is heavy on his mind. kinda hard to think about anything else when he can still hear his skateboard crackling beneath the flames. fuckin' sucks, man.

it takes awhile for him to zone back into reality. really, it's less of a zone and more of a jolt, when the gaggle of jeering students crowding around him start to dissipate and he notices qi fang with a start. fuck, he forgot all about those english notes. even worse, qi fang looks so good, fresh-faced and distractingly handsome. reki, on the other hand, looks like he stayed up til the early hours of the morning getting stitched up in the ER and barely slid into class in time for the bell in yesterday's wrinkled clothes. embarrassing.

whatever. he has until lunch to think up a good excuse for why he can't return those notes yet. instead, of course, he sleeps straight through all of his classes and sleep-walks up the stairs to the roof, flopping into his usual spot against the fence, debating whether or not he even wants to be awake to eat. a nap in the sun sounds a lot better, so he pulls his hoodie up and leans his head back against the chain links, letting his eyes drift shut slowly. ]

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[ no matter how much he wants to let his eyes slip shut and just feel, reki persists, trailing qi fang in his descent, mournfully eyeing the marks he leaves in his wake. there'll be others, so many more, that will outlast him, his touch lingering even when he's moved on from this. it almost makes him angry, realizing he has scars from men whose names he can't even remember, but these marks will remain as impermanent as their brief affair.

if only there was a way to leave a brand with the sweetness qi fang has always showed him. now would be the perfect time for it; reki wouldn't mind being seared by the almost reverent way qi fang is handling him, the soft press of his lips so sweet that it leaves reki shuddering, unable to lay back any longer.

it's much better when he pushes himself up, when he can get his hands in qi fang's hair and brush it away from his face. there's so much to touch to keep his mind from drifting, his fingers tracing the working muscles of his jaw, palm sliding up and down his back as his soft moans and heavy panting fill the quiet of the space. ]

[ funny how a simple gesture like brushing hair out of his face can make qi fang feel so suddenly vulnerable. like reki's hand had pushed aside more than just his hair, exposing him, baring something raw and unfiltered. it feels so antithetic to everything qi fang knows and for a moment he stutters in the fear of it. what must reki see when he looks at him now, eyes wide and open. will he like it? and why does qi fang care so much?

still, he can't bring himself to look away. like doing so will somehow break this gentle spell placed over them right now. he's already fucked it up once, he can't bear to do it again.

so he keeps watching, keeps waiting. takes in more and more of reki to feel the weight of him on his tongue, pressing against his throat. when he starts to bob his head, he keeps each movement measured, keying into the way reki's breath hitches. he lets his tongue press up against the underside of that head, trace along the flare, tickle its way back down as he descends. his hands he keeps on reki's thighs, gently massaging and working his thumbs into the softest parts of it. anything to hear more of his voice. ]

You've got such a pretty face, [ reki says, and can't help but smile no matter the mood. whatever has happened, there's no denying that qi fang looks so good, sharply handsome and profoundly filthy. but there's something else too, something in the way he looks at reki, that makes him more beautiful than anything. which is exactly the trouble with him—that sort of beautiful makes reki want him in more ways than he can fathom.

still, he tries to hold his gaze, even though his eyes dim with every twist of qi fang's tongue. very quickly, he finds that he can't catch his breath, that he can't stop moaning, low and mournful, between each perfectly sweet stroke of his mouth. the feeling is far too intense like this, and this isn't the end he wants either.

he slides his fingers down to the back of qi fang's neck, kneading gently into the working muscles there, begging for attention in a way that's not restrictive. ]

Come here, [ he says quietly, shuddering all over, his body already mourning the loss of that wet pressure around his cock. it's not like reki to stop when things feel good, but this is different. ] Fuck me.

[ he finds it funny that reki would comment on his looks right now, when qi fang himself is so mesmerized by him in turn. reki's features perhaps aren't what one would consider conventionally pretty — but the softness in his cheeks, the roundness of his eyes; he's handsome and beautiul in a way that strikes you hard when you really bother to pay attention, expressive in every fiber of his body that is so enchanting it's impossible to look away. more than pretty, he's breath-taking, because it isn't just his features that grab you, but every ounce of that personality that just oozes out of his pores. it's bittersweet, really; now qi fang knows, but now he must also let it go.

he lifts his head to the coaxing of that hand, letting his tongue drag one last lick in his ascent. there's one brief second of hesitation — not because he doesn't want to, but because he knows the sooner they finish, the sooner they'll finish, and he doesn't want that despite knowing it's inevitable.

but the draw of being closer to reki outshines all his other doubts, and soon he's leaning back up on his knees, reaching for the back of reki's head so that he can bring their lips crashing back together. ]

Lay back down, [ he pants against reki's lips, letting his hand drift down the side of a flushed neck, down over his chest. ] Let me look at you.

[ it shouldn't be so incredibly intoxicating to taste himself on qi fang's tongue, but it is—always has been, ever since that first time. there's something about inhabiting all of qi fang's senses that gives him a thrill like no other, powerful and highly addictive, so much so that he wonders if he'll really be able to kick it.

his request just builds upon that. reki's lucky that his cheeks are already glowing; it's still strange to think of himself as something that someone wants to look at, but it doesn't stop him from obeying, taking his place against the pillows again, stretching himself out thin as he wonders what exactly it is that qi fang wants to see. ]

Like this? [ he asks, and it's then he realizes he's not ready to be looked at like this, not with all this heaviness in his heart. it doesn't make any sense, how someone could make him feel seen in more ways than just the embarrassing kind and then be so willing to let him go. and there's no hiding it, either, not when he's reki, every emotion he's ever felt loudly exclaimed by his posture and expression. but whatever, he tries to smile through it. ]

Yeah, just like this.

[ maybe it's unfair, asking reki to bare himself like this, when qi fang himself defaults to the alternative. it's becoming harder to hide, though, the more he spends time with reki. the more the boy's expressiveness encompasses him, like a warm pair of arms reassuring him it's okay to be like that too, maybe. especially in moments like these, his curtains closed and throwing them in a shade that tucks them away from the day, when it's easy to fall into the illusion like it's just the two of them, and that's all that matters.

his touch is tender, brushing back some strands from that open face. as tender as the look in his eyes, crinkled softly when he smiles.

that hand doesn't linger long, though, working its way down the length of reki's body to find its place between spread legs. to whorl its way around a puckered rim, gently but insistently reminding it of the last time it took him in deep, just that very morning. ]

Still open for me, baby?

[ his other hand has already dug out a small bottle from his bedside drawer, reki's pants discarded too far away to bother with his. fingers get slick, fingers get pushed in, and he works that body slowly again to accept him, scissoring and pressing against every tense muscle or nerve that strains against him. ]

[ there's none of the usual protest or fanfare, just reki sucking in a breath and saying nothing, shuddering as those fingers plunge inside him. even he realizes he's too tense, as close as he'll ever come to being guarded, but it doesn't take much. no matter how shitty he feels, his body is hungry for it after a few good strokes, which makes him even angrier at himself for saying anything. no wonder this amazing boy can't see him as anything but a slut; the evidence is right here, undeniable as anything.

this time, looking at qi fang isn't enough to break him out of his own head. all he can think of is him smiling at someone else like this, watching someone else, fucking someone else. when that isn't enough to freak him out, he starts thinking of other little innocuous things they've said, twisting and refining them into their meanest interpretations. suddenly, he has two options and very little time to choose between them: he can cry, or he can shut down.

of course reki is going to choose to disassociate, his eyes dimming and going blurry, his limbs turning heavy and cold again. whatever happens from here is okay as long as he doesn't have to be a part of it, not emotionally at least. the more logical thing to do would be to get up and go and do this somewhere all alone, but that's impossible. everything's impossible. at least here he still has qi fang's touch, kept a safe distance away behind a numbing veil, but still just as present. ]

[ he notices it the exact moment it happens, too. how can he not? when just seconds ago he'd been amazed at the openness in reki's expression, of course he'd be able to pinpoint the exact second the light in those eyes shutter out, extinguishes. suddenly the room feels far too dark, the shadows from his curtains oppressive, but despite that it still takes him a few moments to make sense of it all. his brain is stuttering on conflicting messages; seeing one thing, feeling another. reki's body still responds to his touch, yields where he presses and squeezes where he withdraws. but his eyes...

even in their blankness, they still say so much. ]

Hey... hey.

[ qi fang doesn't panic, but his worry flares. he's withdrawing his hand, concerned he might have hurt reki somehow — not physically, surely not. but something else? — but his other lifts, reaching up to cup the size of reki's face, fishing once more for his attention. ]

Where'd you go?

[ it takes him a second. everything is slower, quieter, softer, heavier; like a bullet through ballistic gel, the sound of qi fang's voice is paused and dampened and takes a moment to break through. the hand against his face doesn't register at all. probably not the best look for right in the middle of sex, but it is what it is. ]

I'm right here.

[ he can't really make a face to sell it, but he can hope the frankness of his murmur does the job for him. either way, who really cares? he's just surprised that qi fang notices a difference at all, and in any other state, he'd feel awful for the disruption. right now, it just feeds into the settling numbness, justifying its right to be there in the first place. he literally cannot stop himself from fucking up anymore.

but his body still wants this. he still wants this, as distant as he is from the realm of warmth and sensation. he doesn't even need to be particularly present to slowly lift a leg and wind it around qi fang's hip—it's always kind of felt like they were made to fit together perfectly, and now is no different. ]

Fuck me.

[ it would be so easy to, too. reki's hole is still slick, his own cock still hard as a rock, hips close enough that all it would take is some angling and a nudge. it's like their bodies haven't quite caught up to their minds, elsewhere now where it feels like neither one can reach the other.

qi fang shakes his head, lowers his hand. ]

I really fucked up, huh.

[ he has to smile, actually. wry and full of dark humor. it's like something out of the movies, fucking up a perfectly good and budding friends with benefit situation by doing something as stupid as catching feelings. ha ha ha. ]

[ reki sighs and starfishes on the bed again. so much for that. the one thing he's good at and he can't even pull it off now. he's a walking fucking disaster.

how qi fang ended up blaming himself for this, he doesn't even have the energy to fathom. this is him ruining everything like he always does, pushing a good thing too far until someone gets hurt, just like the last person he had to say goodbye forever to. ]

You didn't do anything.

[ and then it hits him: there's only one reason he's here, and if he can't do that, then he has no reason to stay. sucks that the first emotion to break through is panic, but what else is new? he swallows roughly. ]

You don't want this anymore?

[ and just like that, the humor drains from his expression. ]

I hurt you. [ maybe he's being too serious about this, something that's supposed to be the opposite of that, but he's tired of reki brushing off what he knows is true. ] I know I did, so don't bother denying it.

[ now it's his turn to sigh, shifting back so he's seated now, drawing one knee up so he can rest his forehead against it, maybe stave off what feels like an impending headache. there's two paths rolling out in front of him now, and at the end of the day qi fang will always opt for the most practical one. he's already lost here, so what more can the truth do to him now? ]

But I didn't say I didn't want it. That's the problem — I want it too much.

[ he lifts his head, resting his chin on his knee. ]

I want you too much. I dunno what happened but... I can't keep it casual anymore.

[ reki has to sit up too. it's the only way he can sort out everything qi fang is saying. it doesn't help that his head is offering its own interpretations, stuck on oh, he can't anymore and there's a problem. everything else is just polite padding, right? none of it makes enough sense on its own, especially not the part where it sounds like qi fang is saying the thing he can't.

it was better before, when he was gone; now he can't catch his breath and the room is starting to blur for a different reason. he hugs his knees to his chest and tries to sip what he can from this suddenly claustrophobic space, but all that does is make it worse. ]

Okay... [ he says, half to himself, half to qi fang. he tries to scan the room for his clothes, but it makes the world tilt crazily. that means escape isn't an option. all he has left is the nightmare of all scenarios: talking. ]

I don't understand. And I'm... [ freaking the fuck out? no— ] I'm tired. You have to. Just tell me what to do. Or I'm gonna do the wrong thing.

[ qi fang fancies himself pretty perceptive, so he thinks he can spot the warning signs pretty easily: the way reki curls in on himself, the way his eyes keep darting around like he's looking for an exit strategy. qi fang himself leans back slightly, as if offering that small bit of space might somehow ease the other. as an after thought, he snatches the sports drink from the nearby table and offers it to reki. ]

Dude, just... do what you wanna do. There is no wrong thing.

How can you say that?

[ it's nice to have space to escape, the offer of a drink, but reki can't make a move for either of them. without a doubt, he knows he needs to get out of here before he makes this worse than it already is. it's obvious he's not handling this shit well; the last thing he wants to be remembered as is the guy who had a panic attack over a booty call lay-off. except oops, too late. ]

You just told me I fucked up so bad you can't do this anymore. I fucked up everything. What makes you think I can't fuck it up worse?

[ yeah, no, he needs to get out of here. slide off the bed and waver on his feet as he searches for his clothes. ]

[ it takes qi fang a couple of seconds to replay his words in his head, wondering where in the hell reki had heard any of that. in that time, reki manages to get back up to his feet, and qi fang realizes now that space is probably the last thing he should have given him. ]

Hold on—

[ back up back up. qi fang reaches for reki's hand, tugging on it once to try and get his attention. ]

Did you even hear me? I basically said I have feelings for you, I'm the one that fucked up!

[ reki lifts up his hand to rip his arm free, but he never quite makes it that far. there really is no parsing a statement like that as anything but validation for all the things he tried to convince himself he wasn't seeing, the looks and touches that lured him into a false sense of security and landed him here.

he growls and drops his hand. ]

You think I spent two days with you because I really like blowjobs?

[ actually, yeah. probably. ]

I fucked up too.

Sooo... we like each other.

[ god it sounds so stupid and juvenile to say out loud like that, but given their track record it needed to be stated. still, qi fang finds it isn't as much of a relief as he'd hoped it would be, like there's still something more that needs to happen or be said.

where exactly do they go from here? ]

Can you sit back down? I feel like you're gonna bolt any second and you're still butt-naked.

[ there, finally, that's something he can do. it eases some of the tension, having that little bit of direction as he carefully eases himself back on to the bed.

'we like each other' is a lot. especially since it's present tense. not past. he rubs a hand over his face, hopeful, but not so much that he'll actually look at qi fang. ]

... You still like me?

[ even after all this bullshit? ]

[ qi fang visibly relaxes when reki takes his seat. there's still some distance between them, but he thinks that's a good thing given how easy to spook reki seems like at the moment. ]

Yeah, man. I still do.

[ his hand spider-walks across the bed towards reki's own, fingers tentatively poking at it. ]

Is that okay?

[ it's not. the distance feels like exile. reki realizes how fucking dramatic that feeling is, sure, but he's way too in the thick of it to see himself out. and he still can't figure out how to move either, like if he looks at qi fang wrong or makes an off gesture, he'll change his mind about what he said.

he feels the poke and hears the questions, but. ]

Can you come here?

[ reki's lack of answer doesn't help to settle qi fang's nerves. he thought things would he a little better, now, but now he's wondering if these feelings really have only made things worse. complicated, for sure, but they could probably work on that... right?

swallowing thickly, qi fang nods and scoots a little closer, just enough that their legs press together. he doesn't do much else than that, though, trying to wait and take his cues from the other. ]

This good?

[ his heart is pounding. something about this feels like a reset, like he's right back in the shop again, wondering what is and isn't okay.

which is stupid. he needs to tell himself that as many times as it takes. it's fucking stupid to take qi fang on anything but what he explicitly said.

before he can lose his nerve, he leans forward, just enough so he can thump his face against qi fang's chest and bury it there. ]

[ alright, well. it's not exactly what qi fang had been expecting, but he's opting to take it as a good sign that reki wants him this close. he shifts, tentatively putting his arms around the other, one hand absently running up and down along his spine. ]

You, uh... Gotta help me out here, man. Are we good?

[ reki can't really breathe like this, but honestly, it's better this way. it's dark and warm and the gentle weight of qi fang's arms around him is a mighty comfort. it's still taking him a second to come down from the whole blind panic thing, but he responds this time, so progress is happening somewhere. ]

Yeah.

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