knock me down like a heavyweight

[rekd]

[ by the time reki's gotten to his seat in homeroom, it feels like the night before was all just some sort of hazy, surreal dream. a lot's happened since then; for one, his arm is bandaged all the way up to the elbow, compliments of a gnarly gash he got bailing straight into a cluster of jagged rocks, he's probably killed off half the brain cells he's got left skidding on his face, and the unfathomable weight of last night's loss is heavy on his mind. kinda hard to think about anything else when he can still hear his skateboard crackling beneath the flames. fuckin' sucks, man.

it takes awhile for him to zone back into reality. really, it's less of a zone and more of a jolt, when the gaggle of jeering students crowding around him start to dissipate and he notices qi fang with a start. fuck, he forgot all about those english notes. even worse, qi fang looks so good, fresh-faced and distractingly handsome. reki, on the other hand, looks like he stayed up til the early hours of the morning getting stitched up in the ER and barely slid into class in time for the bell in yesterday's wrinkled clothes. embarrassing.

whatever. he has until lunch to think up a good excuse for why he can't return those notes yet. instead, of course, he sleeps straight through all of his classes and sleep-walks up the stairs to the roof, flopping into his usual spot against the fence, debating whether or not he even wants to be awake to eat. a nap in the sun sounds a lot better, so he pulls his hoodie up and leans his head back against the chain links, letting his eyes drift shut slowly. ]

Comments

[tongxue]

[ he notices it the exact moment it happens, too. how can he not? when just seconds ago he'd been amazed at the openness in reki's expression, of course he'd be able to pinpoint the exact second the light in those eyes shutter out, extinguishes. suddenly the room feels far too dark, the shadows from his curtains oppressive, but despite that it still takes him a few moments to make sense of it all. his brain is stuttering on conflicting messages; seeing one thing, feeling another. reki's body still responds to his touch, yields where he presses and squeezes where he withdraws. but his eyes...

even in their blankness, they still say so much. ]

Hey... hey.

[ qi fang doesn't panic, but his worry flares. he's withdrawing his hand, concerned he might have hurt reki somehow — not physically, surely not. but something else? — but his other lifts, reaching up to cup the size of reki's face, fishing once more for his attention. ]

Where'd you go?

[rekd]

[ it takes him a second. everything is slower, quieter, softer, heavier; like a bullet through ballistic gel, the sound of qi fang's voice is paused and dampened and takes a moment to break through. the hand against his face doesn't register at all. probably not the best look for right in the middle of sex, but it is what it is. ]

I'm right here.

[ he can't really make a face to sell it, but he can hope the frankness of his murmur does the job for him. either way, who really cares? he's just surprised that qi fang notices a difference at all, and in any other state, he'd feel awful for the disruption. right now, it just feeds into the settling numbness, justifying its right to be there in the first place. he literally cannot stop himself from fucking up anymore.

but his body still wants this. he still wants this, as distant as he is from the realm of warmth and sensation. he doesn't even need to be particularly present to slowly lift a leg and wind it around qi fang's hip—it's always kind of felt like they were made to fit together perfectly, and now is no different. ]

Fuck me.

[tongxue]

[ it would be so easy to, too. reki's hole is still slick, his own cock still hard as a rock, hips close enough that all it would take is some angling and a nudge. it's like their bodies haven't quite caught up to their minds, elsewhere now where it feels like neither one can reach the other.

qi fang shakes his head, lowers his hand. ]

I really fucked up, huh.

[ he has to smile, actually. wry and full of dark humor. it's like something out of the movies, fucking up a perfectly good and budding friends with benefit situation by doing something as stupid as catching feelings. ha ha ha. ]

[rekd]

[ reki sighs and starfishes on the bed again. so much for that. the one thing he's good at and he can't even pull it off now. he's a walking fucking disaster.

how qi fang ended up blaming himself for this, he doesn't even have the energy to fathom. this is him ruining everything like he always does, pushing a good thing too far until someone gets hurt, just like the last person he had to say goodbye forever to. ]

You didn't do anything.

[ and then it hits him: there's only one reason he's here, and if he can't do that, then he has no reason to stay. sucks that the first emotion to break through is panic, but what else is new? he swallows roughly. ]

You don't want this anymore?

[tongxue]

[ and just like that, the humor drains from his expression. ]

I hurt you. [ maybe he's being too serious about this, something that's supposed to be the opposite of that, but he's tired of reki brushing off what he knows is true. ] I know I did, so don't bother denying it.

[ now it's his turn to sigh, shifting back so he's seated now, drawing one knee up so he can rest his forehead against it, maybe stave off what feels like an impending headache. there's two paths rolling out in front of him now, and at the end of the day qi fang will always opt for the most practical one. he's already lost here, so what more can the truth do to him now? ]

But I didn't say I didn't want it. That's the problem — I want it too much.

[ he lifts his head, resting his chin on his knee. ]

I want you too much. I dunno what happened but... I can't keep it casual anymore.

[rekd]

[ reki has to sit up too. it's the only way he can sort out everything qi fang is saying. it doesn't help that his head is offering its own interpretations, stuck on oh, he can't anymore and there's a problem. everything else is just polite padding, right? none of it makes enough sense on its own, especially not the part where it sounds like qi fang is saying the thing he can't.

it was better before, when he was gone; now he can't catch his breath and the room is starting to blur for a different reason. he hugs his knees to his chest and tries to sip what he can from this suddenly claustrophobic space, but all that does is make it worse. ]

Okay... [ he says, half to himself, half to qi fang. he tries to scan the room for his clothes, but it makes the world tilt crazily. that means escape isn't an option. all he has left is the nightmare of all scenarios: talking. ]

I don't understand. And I'm... [ freaking the fuck out? no— ] I'm tired. You have to. Just tell me what to do. Or I'm gonna do the wrong thing.

[tongxue]

[ qi fang fancies himself pretty perceptive, so he thinks he can spot the warning signs pretty easily: the way reki curls in on himself, the way his eyes keep darting around like he's looking for an exit strategy. qi fang himself leans back slightly, as if offering that small bit of space might somehow ease the other. as an after thought, he snatches the sports drink from the nearby table and offers it to reki. ]

Dude, just... do what you wanna do. There is no wrong thing.

[rekd]

How can you say that?

[ it's nice to have space to escape, the offer of a drink, but reki can't make a move for either of them. without a doubt, he knows he needs to get out of here before he makes this worse than it already is. it's obvious he's not handling this shit well; the last thing he wants to be remembered as is the guy who had a panic attack over a booty call lay-off. except oops, too late. ]

You just told me I fucked up so bad you can't do this anymore. I fucked up everything. What makes you think I can't fuck it up worse?

[ yeah, no, he needs to get out of here. slide off the bed and waver on his feet as he searches for his clothes. ]

[tongxue]

[ it takes qi fang a couple of seconds to replay his words in his head, wondering where in the hell reki had heard any of that. in that time, reki manages to get back up to his feet, and qi fang realizes now that space is probably the last thing he should have given him. ]

Hold on—

[ back up back up. qi fang reaches for reki's hand, tugging on it once to try and get his attention. ]

Did you even hear me? I basically said I have feelings for you, I'm the one that fucked up!

[rekd]

[ reki lifts up his hand to rip his arm free, but he never quite makes it that far. there really is no parsing a statement like that as anything but validation for all the things he tried to convince himself he wasn't seeing, the looks and touches that lured him into a false sense of security and landed him here.

he growls and drops his hand. ]

You think I spent two days with you because I really like blowjobs?

[ actually, yeah. probably. ]

I fucked up too.

[tongxue]

Sooo... we like each other.

[ god it sounds so stupid and juvenile to say out loud like that, but given their track record it needed to be stated. still, qi fang finds it isn't as much of a relief as he'd hoped it would be, like there's still something more that needs to happen or be said.

where exactly do they go from here? ]

Can you sit back down? I feel like you're gonna bolt any second and you're still butt-naked.

[rekd]

[ there, finally, that's something he can do. it eases some of the tension, having that little bit of direction as he carefully eases himself back on to the bed.

'we like each other' is a lot. especially since it's present tense. not past. he rubs a hand over his face, hopeful, but not so much that he'll actually look at qi fang. ]

... You still like me?

[ even after all this bullshit? ]

[tongxue]

[ qi fang visibly relaxes when reki takes his seat. there's still some distance between them, but he thinks that's a good thing given how easy to spook reki seems like at the moment. ]

Yeah, man. I still do.

[ his hand spider-walks across the bed towards reki's own, fingers tentatively poking at it. ]

Is that okay?

[rekd]

[ it's not. the distance feels like exile. reki realizes how fucking dramatic that feeling is, sure, but he's way too in the thick of it to see himself out. and he still can't figure out how to move either, like if he looks at qi fang wrong or makes an off gesture, he'll change his mind about what he said.

he feels the poke and hears the questions, but. ]

Can you come here?

[tongxue]

[ reki's lack of answer doesn't help to settle qi fang's nerves. he thought things would he a little better, now, but now he's wondering if these feelings really have only made things worse. complicated, for sure, but they could probably work on that... right?

swallowing thickly, qi fang nods and scoots a little closer, just enough that their legs press together. he doesn't do much else than that, though, trying to wait and take his cues from the other. ]

This good?

[rekd]

[ his heart is pounding. something about this feels like a reset, like he's right back in the shop again, wondering what is and isn't okay.

which is stupid. he needs to tell himself that as many times as it takes. it's fucking stupid to take qi fang on anything but what he explicitly said.

before he can lose his nerve, he leans forward, just enough so he can thump his face against qi fang's chest and bury it there. ]

[tongxue]

[ alright, well. it's not exactly what qi fang had been expecting, but he's opting to take it as a good sign that reki wants him this close. he shifts, tentatively putting his arms around the other, one hand absently running up and down along his spine. ]

You, uh... Gotta help me out here, man. Are we good?

[rekd]

[ reki can't really breathe like this, but honestly, it's better this way. it's dark and warm and the gentle weight of qi fang's arms around him is a mighty comfort. it's still taking him a second to come down from the whole blind panic thing, but he responds this time, so progress is happening somewhere. ]

Yeah.

[tongxue]

[ okay. alright. a verbal confirmation is all he'd been looking for and technically he got it. but then why does it all still feel so tenuous? breakable?

for now, qi fang will just opt for staying like this, holding reki and rubbing his back until he can feel the other boy's breathing start to calm. ]

[rekd]

[ that's. really nice. not just because reki is freezing on the comedown from working himself into such a tizzy, but it's something a note above reassuring too. like he cares. like he likes reki.

finally, he tips his head a little to take a breath of fresh air. ]

You don't want this to end?

[ whatever 'this' is. reki doesn't care so much about the what as much as he does the prospective losing of it. ]

[tongxue]

[ who'd have thought he actually meant what he said? but qi fang gets it — it's a pretty daunting prospect. they both sort of entered into this with no plan, just playing it fast and loose and sticking to the rules. no strings. just fun. and, yeah, so it's only been two days. but it's been two days of nonstop fun, of doing more than just sex, of learning about each other and realizing maybe the strings can be fun too.

of recognizing that cold feeling in his chest after his stupid foot-in-mouth comment that he could actually lose this, lose reki, as the fear that it is. ]

No. Not even close.

[rekd]

[ that's his greatest fear assuaged. what's next to freak himself out over? that he'll slip into a shitty mood and scare qi fang away? been there. that he'll meet his family and be immediately overwhelmed by the chaos of his life? done that. for once, reki isn't sure what to fear.

he might actually have to accept that this guy really does like him. it's a start, anyway, something to sigh softly about as he winds his arms around qi fang's chest, butting his head against him until they topple over and he's giggling about how fucking dumb all this is. ]

[tongxue]

[ next thing he knows he's being toppled over, falling on his back with a soft oof! and a delirious little laugh of his own. ]

Gonna take this to mean you don't wanna end this either.

[rekd]

I thought...

[ nevermind. he doesn't want to think about what he thought. he wants to hear more of that laughter and luxuriate in all this warm skin that isn't going anywhere after all. ]

Nah, you're stuck with me now. Not even sorry.

[tongxue]

[ yeah, better not to focus on that, especially if it was at all like what qi fang thought. turns out they're both dumbasses, but at least in a way that complements each other. ]

Yeah?

[ he wraps his arms and legs around reki, trapping him in an unforgiving embrace. ]

Good. You got me all addicted to you, so you better take responsibility.