OVERFLOW / OPEN

[rekd]

TFLN / OPEN RP / THREADTRACKER

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[tongxue]

[ qi fang's eyes open, and it's only now that he realizes what kind of medicine that was. why his limbs feel suddenly ten times heavier. fuck. ]

Nah man, this is your bed... Just — throw some towels on the floor for me, it's not like I'll care about comfort when I pass out.

[ he levels reki with a steady gaze. ]

We didn't really get anywhere with our talk.

[rekd]

[ no use dying on this hill. qi fang is gonna pass out wherever he passes out, and that'll take care of that. not everything has to be a discussion.

just the hard things. ]

Yeah.

[ reki's gaze is more far-away than steady, but he meets qi fang's all the same. ]

We'll talk more whenever you're up for it. I'll be here.

[tongxue]

[ he's not sure why, but he somehow feels worse. even though reki isn't avoiding his eye, and he's saying all the right things, there's a crumminess in his chest that he knows isn't from the fever.

it's weird. being so caught up and upset about something the other person isn't even fully aware of. or hadn't really been present for. had reki just been delusional? does it matter? he wishes he could just let it go. it'd be so much easier if he could. ]

I don't feel suffocated.

[rekd]

[ it doesn't matter now, because reki has to drop his gaze to respond, ] I know.

[ because it's not true, of course. he's always sweating shit like that. both of them know there's a reason he had an arsenal of anxieties ready for the second his mind slipped. the real answer is a little different. ]

I mean, I believe you. I think you'd say something if you did.

[tongxue]

I would.

[ or, rather, he'd just end things or ghost reki like a coward. but neither of that has happened; he hasn't even thought about it once.

even in his sickened state he can tell a lie when he hears one. it makes him feel helpless, even more so when his limbs feel so heavy and useless. ]

I don't know... what to do to make you really know.

[rekd]

[ reki sighs and slumps on to his hands. ]

It's obviously a me thing. I just have to get better.

[ and, failing that, the only person he's driving crazy with all this miserable shit is himself. at least until today. but for awhile before that great big crash, he'd almost had hope for himself. ]

I am trying to get better, about all of it.

[tongxue]

[ qi fang is quiet for a long moment, turning it all over in his head. he's come to know reki enough to know that, by default, the other boy tends to blame himself for all of the misfortunes that happen to him. to a fucking fault, really. but if it really is true this time that what happened hadn't been a direct result of something qi fang did... then... ]

...Someone really hurt you before, huh?

[ a person doesn't just manifest those kind of insecurities, not stuff that runs that deep.

the last time it'd been brought up, it hadn't been pretty. but it's not like things are swell now. ]

Haru?

[rekd]

[ he guesses he deserves the stake through the heart that is hearing haru's name out of nowhere like this. he definitely did promise away everything outside on the street. ]

God, no. He was a really good person. All the hurt that happened there came from me.

[ same as this. it's easy to recognize the patterns—and yes, blame himself for them. but in this case, he can't see it any other way.

either way, it brings them to the bigger secret, the one he'd wanted to tell him but could never quite figure out how to broach. not like it's any easier to explain on the spot, but. ]

It's just me. I don't know how to stop feeling bad because that's all I ever feel. I'm all fucked in the head.

[tongxue]

[ qi fang had thought he'd been getting somewhere with that, but now it just feels like he's right back to square one. ]

I don't get it... Are you saying you just — feel that way all the time? Even if nothing's happened?

[rekd]

[ yup that sure is how it feels. sucks worse than anything. ]

Yeah. Don't get it twisted, I mean—you make me so fucking happy.

[tongxue]

But even then you... still feel bad.

[ he digests that for a few long seconds (realizing he definitely should've started on the soup after all) but eventually he just leans back on the pillow and — nods. ]

Alright. No big deal then. [ another nod, resolute this time. ] I mean — we just gotta ride it out, right? Now we know it's not really something we have to like... fix or whatever. Next time you start feeling bad, just tell me and we'll work through it.

[rekd]

[ reki cringes. it sounds awful out loud. like there's an implication that qi fang's not good enough. he expects the rest to follow in that vein, left blinking when it doesn't. ]

What d'you mean?

[tongxue]

[ qi fang rubs at his neck, mostly just spitballing here. truthfully, it all sounds incredibly hopeful and naive as he listens to himself but. maybe it really doesn't have to be as complicated as it sounds? ]

I mean — it'd be worse if there was a real problem between us, right? But there isn't. At least not in this case. So I dunno, from where I'm standing it sounds kind of like... a panic attack. Just something you gotta ride out when it happens. I guess long-term the better thing to do would be to prevent them, but we can work on that later too. Now that I know I'm not actually hurting you like that, then I can actually help you through it. Right?

[rekd]

[ at least some of it brushes off on reki, who sounds tentatively hopeful as well as achingly small: ]

You wanna help me? After everything I did, I don't... I don't wanna hurt you either.

[tongxue]

It hurt when I thought I was hurting you. Or when it felt like you didn't wanna be with me because of it. But if that's not the case... then I can just focus on helping you.

[ he shrugs. maybe it's easier said than done, but. he guesses what he's really trying to say here is, ]

It's not enough to make me give up on us. You make me real happy too, y'know.

[rekd]

[ reki sniffs and nods and turns his face away to sniffle some more. ]

You should eat.

[tongxue]

[ he lifts a hand to rub at his own eyes, a meager attempt at giving reki some kind of privacy. ]

Nah, I think this medicine's gonna knock me out any second now to be honest. I'll eat when I wake up.

[ he holds out his other hand. ]

Shouldn't kiss you in case I got the plague so let's just hold hands on it, hm?

[rekd]

[ reki takes his hand, tangling their fingers. ]

I don't care. Can we kiss anyway?

[tongxue]

[ he gives reki's hand a little tug, smiling easy for the first time that night. ]

Okay, but don't get mad if I pass out mid-kiss. You guys got the good stuff.

[rekd]

[ his smile is almost more comforting than that inviting tug, but nothing compares to the breath of fresh air it is to nuzzle into qi fang's space. ]

I won't.

[tongxue]

[ qi fang's arms come around to encircle reki, pulling him into the space between his legs so he can pretty much envelope the other from all over. he presses a soft kiss, once, to the top of reki's head, then noses his way down to a cheek, and then finally a pair of lips he's been sorely missing. things don't feel like they're in the clear, not just yet, but they're a lot closer now, with at least some guidance or a path to follow the next time they hit that particular bump in the road. they have each other still, cheesy as that sounds. and for now that feels like just enough.

he hopes he can convey as much as he sighs into the kiss, feeling at last the tension release from his body. he sinks into the pillow behind him, fitting his lips over reki's in the way that always has their bodies singing, aching to be even closer. ]

[rekd]

[ that kiss on the forehead is so emblematic of everything they are that it's become the deepest comfort reki knows. it drains the tension from his limbs and mutes the insidious parts of his mind that insist he doesn't deserve this—still there, but rendered impotent now.

tired as he must be, qi fang still doesn't stop there; he wraps him up so every part of him feels anchored, kissing him in a way that makes him shudder with how much he feels. reki makes a soft noise against him, the same sort of sound you'd make when you're relieved to be coming home, and he presses eagerly into the kiss, fingers sliding along his jaw, so happy just to be retracing these same lines he already knows by heart. ]

[tongxue]

[ turns out, he is his own self-fulfilling prophecy. swallowing up that kiss and those sounds, qi fang feels the most relaxed he's felt since that morning, when things were still new and not messy. but with that relaxation goes the last bit of adrenaline that'd been anchoring him to the land of the conscious, because not too long after he's parted his lips and slipping his tongue out to taste reki does he feel the heaviness in his limbs finally drag him down into slumber. he lets out one final sigh of contentment before fully relaxing onto the bed, limbs loose now around reki's body, lips parted on a light snore. ]

[rekd]

[ he can't even be mad—after all, reki's the one who drugged him. rather, he's glad to see qi fang's eyes slip shut, all tension gone as his body finally gets the rest it needs, the soft sounds of his slumber compelling him smile even harder. he lingers for a little while, petting his hair and watching him breathe, nuzzling into his ear to whisper, ] I love you.

[ then he supposes that it's time to carefully extricate himself from the bed, time to put away the food for tomorrow and finish that fight with his mother. just now everything doesn't seem so bleak and exhausting and impossible, and he's still smiling as he puts the tray back together and slips out of the room. ]

excuse me,?? reki?????,

[tongxue]

[ it's a dreamless sleep, mercifully quiet and deep. he doesn't wake at all during the night, moving only when another body joins him on the bed, curling around that warmth instinctively but otherwise still out like a light. it's well into the morning when the drug finally lets go of him, and he blinks the first few traces of consciousness to see a field of bright red. he blinks again a couple of times, thinking something's wrong with his vision, but that flaming wheat is actually just a messy head of hair and once he realizes that he smiles, settling back down into his lazy embrace. he can feel his phone in his pocket, digging into his hip. he's sure his mom had left him a number of texts wondering where he was, but that's a problem for his future self. right now he'll just smack his lips a couple of times, tasting the lingering medicine still on his tongue, and croak out a rough, ] 'Morning.